Mayor Jim Marshall accused city councilman Mike Cranford in a press conference Wednesday of improper influence on municipal court in defense of jaywalkers. Cranford is an attorney. Cranford allegedly used his council influence to have crosswalks painted at points where his clients were accused of jaywalking in order to clear them of citations in court. "The police chief made me do it," Marshall said. "I couldn't resist---I mean---I had a duty when he wrote that memorandum on jaywalking court abuses. Besides, he [Cranford] made some mean suggestions about me and the Centreplex operations---so I owed him one---I mean---I owed it to Macon to expose this abuse."

"It's just a coincidence that new crosswalks were painted where my clients cross," Cranford said. "I think this press conference was just a ploy to redirect attention away from Mr. Marshall's abuse of power. I happen to know that preceding his designation as Head-Wienie, Marshall received slaw-dogs on numerous occasions while not paying the extra twenty cents for the slaw. I view this free slaw as a bribe to push for re-naming Cotton Avenue to NuWay Boulevard," Cranford said.

"That suggestion is ridiculous," Marshall said, "I simply substituted slaw for onions. It was not a bribe. Besides, Mr. Cranford is just pouting because the NuWay folks didn't nominate him as the Duke of Wienie," Marshall said.

Radio personality Bill Elder shocked studio guests by flashing them Tuesday morning. The 99WAYS studio adjoins the AM940 studio and has a soundproof window where people in the separate studios can see each other. Staff writer Steve Scroggins, who was visiting in the AM940 studio, reported the incident to authorities and an investigation is pending. Elder began making hand gestures and speaking in an animated fashion toward the window, Scroggins said. Scroggins shook his head to signal that he didn't understand. Then Elder climbed up on a chair and flashed Scroggins through the window by opening the blind on the front window to allow sunlight to shine in Scroggins' face. Elder then waited for Scroggins to be engaged in conversation at the microphone with AM940 host Kenny Burgamy when Elder began rapidly opening and shutting the blind to produce a strobe-light effect. "The morning sun was blinding," Scroggins said. "I can't be sure exactly what Elder was doing on the other side of the glass, but I imagine it was illegal. I should probably be thankful that the light blinded me."

The Macon City Council will hold the first of two public hearings today to assess public ignorance on a proposal to gouge cellular telephone users a $1 monthly fee for 911 service.

Currently, emergency operators can see only the phone number of a 911 caller who is using a cell phone. Technology under development will give 911 operators the exact location of the caller. The Federal Communications Commission has mandated that cellular phone companies must provide emergency operators with the caller's location by 2002.

Earlier this month, the council's Appropriations Committee voted to charge the $1 fee because it sounded like a good excuse to raise taxes and call it a federally-mandated fee. "The cellular phone companies, NOT the municipalities, have to provide the locator technology. They [phone companies] will probably tack on their own fees or hide it in the base charge," said Randolph Pinsillneck, a city council budget advisor. "But if the public seems unaware, the city will add a stealth fee to raise a little spare cash."

The $1 fee will raise an estimated $268,000 per year. From every dollar collected, 70 cents will go into a special slush fund to pay for special projects and favors in election years and perhaps council pay-hikes in non-election years. The remaining 30 cents must be applied to the new locator technology as required by Georgia law, Pinsillneck said.

City council candidate Robbo Hatcher was interviewed by AM940 radio host Kenny Burgamy Monday morning. "We like to interview local candidates on local issues," Burgamy said. "And we like to do it in new and interesting ways. There's gotta be at least 99WAYS to do it."

Hatcher's opponent in the City Council race, Filomena Mullis, was scheduled to be in the AM940 studio to debate Hatcher. Apprehensive of mean-spirited Republican radio hosts, Mullis apparently entered the wrong studio where 99WAYS radio personality Bill Elder, a member of the obscure Purple Party, grilled her with questions such as "Briefs or boxers?" Hatcher enjoyed the interview from the neighboring AM940 studio and passed the time by making faces at Mullis through the adjoining window.

Following Mullis' intense interview with Elder, Burgamy and Elder made radio history. Mullis and Hatcher engaged in debate by using hand signals and facial expressions through the window while the hosts in the respective studios interpreted the signals for listeners on two separate stations.

"We don't have regulations for radio hand signals, yet, " said Rex Rudebegger, a spokesman for the FCC, "But we're looking into it now. I have it on good authority that some of the gestures used were not fit for broadcast."

"I think this action is premature," said Head-Wienie Jim Marshall. "I won't drive that vehicle until they change the wiener color to atomic red and replace the Oscar Mayer logo with a NuWay logo. City Council needs to factor that into the cost."

"I'd like to echo the Head-Wienie's comments," said Head-Wienie-elect Jack Ellis. "And furthermore, I won't drive that vehicle until they add a green stripe and a brown stripe down the middle. I like my NuWay dogs with chili and slaw, you know," Ellis said.

Relief from stench sought in East Dublin

An East Dublin City Councilman won support at the Laurens County Commission meeting Tuesday afternoon, saying he came from "Stink City, U.S.A."

East Dublin Councilman Al Williams asked the commission to do whatever is necessary to halt foul odors emitted by a Griffin Industries rendering plant.

The plant, which processes chicken feathers and other offal, is near the East Dublin city limit, and area residents have been complaining for years about the smell.

Despite promises of help from the state Agriculture Department and EPD earlier this year, there has been no relief from the choking odors, Williams said.

"Now they're getting ready to take catfish remains from Johnson County," Williams told the commission. "I don't know how it can get any worse, unless it gets like that stinking paper mill in Macon."

Asked for comment, Macon Mayor Jim Marshall said that he doubts the foul odor detected in East Dublin is the Riverwood plant in Macon. "Heck, all we do is wood and paper, there's not a chicken feather or fish head in that plant---unless it's in a lunchbox. But it's hard to convince folks in Macon of that," Marshall said. "In any event, we're not changing the name of Macon to Stink City since that's already taken and my title is not changing to Head-Stinker."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins